The Liquor Hole
The Liquor Hole was a barn/honky tonk in a pretend Southern Illinois community. It was founded in an era when entendres were still only singular, so around 1947. It was owned by Wes “Cocksucker” Montgomery and was primarily a large space with a 9 record jukebox where locals came to get shit-housed. The Nervous Sheep Opry was a live music program that Wes decided he should produce in order to compete with the Grand Ole Opry. It didn’t go great.
What follows are actual portraits of some of the many musical acts and characters that were responsible for this one terrible, terrible broadcast.
Wes “Cocksucker” Montgomery
Wes “Cocksucker” Montgomery came home from the war in 1946 and opened The Liquor Hole. In 1947, he heard a Grand Ole Opry broadcast on WSM and figured he could probably do that shit. Knowing nothing of music, radio broadcasting, or basic human decency, he decided to gather local musicians and give it a shot. Not having any sort of radio tower proved to be quite a hurdle, so he instead just taped down the “talk” button on his CB radio and broadcast in that quite terrible manner.
The Candy Asses
The first band to play was The Candy Asses. They were originally call “The Hummers",” but had changed their name because the crowd would yell “Candy Asses!” at them as they played. The name change just seemed easier for everyone.
They were never well received in the area. Cora Flanker, the bitch-lipped choir director of the First Methodist Church went so far as to call their music cowardly and uninspired. In hindsight, she was far too kind.
Kitty Konrad and Merle
The duet of Kitty Konrad and Merle is interesting because they weren’t actually a duet, at all. Merle was simply Kitty’s overprotective boyfriend. He would stand beside her as she sang and when an audience member would give her a whoop or a catcall, Merle would dive off the stage and “beat the cock” out of the offender.
Years later, Kitty would throw gasoline and lit matches at Merle as he napped in a hammock. Since most, to all, of the townsfolk hated Merle, Kitty was never charged with a crime. Merle was, however, posthumously charged with Illegal Public Burning.
Lester Copenhagen and Dutch
Lester Copenhagen and Dutch were a ventriloquist act, which oddly translated about as well on radio as it did in person. Lester would sing in a shockingly high pitched voice while Dutch would simulate puppet masturbation. Dutch appeared to be far more prepared for the show than Lester…you know, what with all that wood. Hey, whatever, it’s their joke, not mine.
Larry “Half Slap” Holcolm
Larry “Half Slap” Holcolm sang with the voice of an angel…an unfortunate angel with a megaphone strapped to his face as he was violated by a German barber with a stutter.
Larry actually had a regional hit song called “Please Don’t Poke Me There No More.” Years later, Larry became the “go to” rodeo clown of the Midwest.
“Handsome” Teddy Queef
“Handsome” Teddy Queef purred more than sang, but either way, the ladies loved him. Be blew kisses, shook his ass, and mimed gentle whispers as he sang songs of young love and buggery. The phrase “Clean Up in Aisle Gladys!” was shouted by disgusted patrons on more than one occassion…it was 6, actually, 6 times.
Minnie “Pearl” Necklace
Minnie “Pearl” Necklace was a comedienne, of sorts. Most of her act involved talking about the comical and compromising sexual situations she apparently often found herself in. She could have made Mae West blush. All of her stories followed the same basic pattern…hilarity, shame, arrest, and then, many days later, climax. She fashioned terms like The French Motorboat, The Clingling Scallion, The Spicy Jellyroll, and The Floating Lemur. She died intching and scratching, yet another victim of the crab epidemic of 1962.
Walter Wesley and Wesley Walter
Walter Wesley and Wesley Walter(swear to God) were the premier bartenders on the night of the show. They were actually the only bartenders. One was foul mouthed and one was quite pleasant, though no one could ever figure out which was which.
Years later, Wesley was shot and killed in a one man hunting accident, while Walter made a decent living selling siding and windows from other people’s houses.
“Saxxy” Jorge Jordan
“Saxxy”Jorge Jordan was technically in any of the bands, but was oddly on stage for every performance, unwanted and uninvited. Jorge would push his way to the front and try to insert a saxophone solo into each song at stunningly inappropriate times. He is credited with inspiring every sax solo in early 1980 ballads.
Brawlers, unknown
Just like nowadays, idiots would often fight at the Liquor Hole, generally about “new wave” farming practices.
Jeb Wheatley
Jeb Wheatley was well received in person, but not so much in the radio broadcast, as he was a whittler. He carved a tiny canoe and a decent sized dog.
Larry Loveless
Larry Loveless was anything but “without love.” Strikingly handsome and surprisingly amourous, he’d spread his seed around town like a blind New England farmer who assumed people owed him money. People who couldn’t dance often remarked what a fine dancer he was.
Clarence “Sweet Butter” Brown
Clarence “Sweet Butter” Brown was a fine musician and songwriter. He was also poorly named. He wasn’t “sweet” in any manner, having once neck-stabbed a cousin over a questionable banjo tuning. He also hated butter and preferred a mixture of WD-40 and honey.
Shortly after the show, he walked slowly into the lake behind his house and never emerged again.
Vic and Tessa Himmler
Vic and Tessa Himmler(no relation) sang mostly “cheating songs,” primarily autobiographical. In a much talked about moment, they both brought up audience members and fornicated with them in front of each other as they acted out lewd lyrics to the song “Cowgirl ain’t my style…or is it!”
Terry “The Murderer” Gash
Terry “The Murderer” Gash combined poor banjo playing with an wince-inducing high pitched voice to create a sound similar to a be-crutched child falling down a flight of stairs.
Terry originally called himself “The Killer “ until Jerry Lee Lewis found out about that shit and drove all night, tore up on trucker speed, and beat the piss out of Terry, who promptly came up with another nickname.
Another interesting fact, Terry Gash had actually murdered several people in a 3-county area.
